From dreaming of going abroad to being a cog in the wheel: an occupational therapist's missed opportunities

The majestic Banff National Park (Alberta, Canada)

Last month, I got to visit Canada again and it was one of the best trips that I had. I beheld the sublime majesty of the Banff National Park, which is so far the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen. But the highlight of the trip was seeing my nephews, Lewis and Kourt! Lewis is such a well-behaved and articulate boy. And Kourt is the cutest baby in the world! 

I’m thankful to my family for making this trip possible. My relatives in the US and in Canada sponsored it, while my aunt stayed behind to look after Lolo. I could never have afforded this on my own. At the same time, the trip triggered cascades of “What if’s?” What if I never left Canada? What if I grabbed the opportunity to work in a Western country? What if I tried to make it in Singapore as an occupational therapist (OT)? 

Closed Doors

It’s no secret that I let go of my immigrant status in Canada to look after my grandparents here in the Philippines. What many people struggle to understand is that the choice I made was not like the choice of getting married to someone you love, or deciding to have kids, or joining a company to advance your career. It’s not even the same as embracing all the sufferings in the mission field because you’re convinced that that’s your life’s purpose. Those are the choices that you make to build the life that you want. But I returned to my grandparents because no one else would, not because it was my vision for my life. 

I’ve heard a lot of nasty comments about me as a member of my family. I initially thought of writing responses to rebut them all. In the end, I decided against it because first, I don’t want to portray myself as a saint. I’m not! Secondly, people will not understand anyway if they’ve never suffered major losses for shouldering a responsibility that no one else could take on even if the task is not supposed to be primarily theirs. 

I’m relieved that I did the right thing back in 2009 by returning to my maternal grandparents who raised me. Although I should’ve been kinder to Lola, I’m still glad that I showed her — imperfectly — that I cared about her before she died. I should be gentler to my grandpa too. I’m sad to say that I’m often impatient with him. But being angry with Lolo is not the same as abusing him. It’s not the same thing as leaving him without plans of who would take care of him. Even if I get easily exasperated with Lolo, I love him a lot. In fact, I can’t imagine life without him. He was my rock when I was growing up, and now, I’m trying to be the same for him, though I'm faltering. I get angry because I care about him and I’m trying to save him. Besides, I know exactly what would happen to him if I left him because I’ve witnessed it happen to my other relatives.

Being a caregiver

There were many years when I was my grandpa’s primary caregiver, with the help of Ate Rosalie and Bro. Rolly. Now that Tita Ellen is retired, she does the heavy-lifting when it comes to caring for him. I’m now a secondary or a tertiary caregiver. I wish I could do more for Lolo as I juggle caregiving with my work, studies, and ministry. But still, I often ask the Lord, “Did You really have to close all those doors of opportunity for me to take care of my grandparents?” If I left Lolo and Lola to work abroad, I would have a powerful passport by now — something I’ve always wanted — and go anywhere in the world without depending on others to fund it. What I’m earning now will pale in comparison to what my income would’ve been in a Western country, not necessarily in Canada because I’ve also gotten offers to work in Australia, the United States, and the United Kingdom. 

As a goal-oriented person, I often like to check off what I’ve achieved. I had big dreams for myself when I was younger. Now that I'm almost 40, I find that most of my aspirations did not come into fruition…and honestly, they probably never will. It’s not because I did stupid stuff like doing drugs or getting pregnant out of wedlock. No, I did far beyond what was expected of me. I did not get here because of bad decisions. By God’s grace, I’ve been very clear-headed for almost all of my life. Yet here I am. 

Grieving what I lost

When I compare myself with other people my age, it seems like they’re not tied down to obligations that aren’t theirs to begin with. They can go anywhere they want, study whatever they want, meet whoever they want, and live wherever they please. When they can’t, it’s because they’ve taken on responsibilities that will create the lives that they want. That’s why I’ve been asking God, “Why can’t I have that too?” 

What makes this even harder is that I wasn’t even aiming for a life of luxury because I wanted to become a missionary. It’s the reason why I became an OT! Lord, I wasn’t planning to be worldly. I wanted to have a powerful passport so I could go anywhere in the world for You. But why did You have to shrink me so that other people can have their way? Why do I have to be the mere cog in the wheel? The next generation is supposed to be one’s heritage from the Lord, the arrows that fly to places where the older saints cannot go. I feel like I’m neither. I’m not even sure what to look forward to anymore. Our Asian neighbors have done a splendid job at launching their youth to unimaginable levels of success. Why can’t Filipinos do the same? How come no one can do that for me?

I know I’m being entitled because no one really deserves anything from God. Still, it doesn’t change my question: how come I’ve been pigeonholed into this role? Will I ever be what I’ve always wanted to be?

The Log in My Own Eye

Sometimes, I find consolation in the fact that I learned a lot about myself because of what happened to me. At least I know now that I can be very bitter and impatient. I used to fancy myself as an incredibly compassionate person. That’s not true, obviously, because I get mad at Lolo a lot. But because I’ve admitted that it’s wrong to be this way even when Lolo can be very difficult, I can now take appropriate measures to keep myself from losing my temper. 

I also know now through firsthand experience that it’s not right to sacrifice people for personal causes, may it be for missions, social justice, or pleasing one’s family. We should let others be themselves by making space for their giftings and preferences. I needed to learn this because while being goal-oriented is one of my strengths, I also tend to run roughshod over other people to achieve my objectives. Of course, I’ve always known that in my head but now I know it because I’ve been reduced to being a cog for others. 

It’s not right to think of people as mere resources for our agenda no matter how righteous we think our cause is. Many people in the ministry and in the secular helping professions contributed to their communities by exploiting those who love them as tools for their “noble calling”, only to discard them once they’re perceived as no longer valuable. That’s why these supposed pillars of society have public personas that are very different from their private ones. Actually, you’ll be surprised that many therapists are so good at charming the whole world but are terrible behind the scenes, even towards their patients. 

Asking God Why

I’m tempted to end this article by saying something trite like, "I can’t get out of this toxic role because there’s this life lesson that I need to learn, blah, blah, blah". I’m not gonna whitewash what happened to me because it’s wrong and should not happen to anyone. In fact, I’m still asking God, why did You reduce me to this? You Who made the beautiful mountains of Banff and breathed life into the beauties of my own country — why can’t You bless me the way you bless others? 

I sound entitled, yes. But one of the reasons why I got into fights with Lolo is because deep down, it was my way of protecting the little time I have to make something of myself (the other reason is that he can be really unreasonable, obstinate, and even defiant). By honestly stating my pain to God and asking Him my real questions, I’m making room for Him to defend me so that I won’t harm others in my attempts to defend myself.